I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
