a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
