I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
You pole danced in your parka.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
