Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
