Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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