we dont do blackfin have a good night :)
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
