I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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