tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Randomize
