Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize