paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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