I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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