Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
