woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I can't turn off my feet"
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
