Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
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