And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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