If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
We don't watch enough power rangers
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
