I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
