There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
