using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
