so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
