I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Randomize
