That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
