so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
