listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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