Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
