I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
