I faked an abortion last night.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
