If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
