wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
