in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
