Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
