I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
