FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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