I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
