I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
How does it feel to date your dad?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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