i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
