I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
