Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
