I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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