Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
