then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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