Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
