If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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