Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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