Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Randomize
