she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Randomize
