Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
