I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
