Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
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