half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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