I've blown a few things in my day
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
