remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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