so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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