If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
apparently the secret to your success is patron
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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