I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
the condom got lost in my hair
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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