I just saw a hot homeless man
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
