dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
smell my finger.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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