At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
