i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize