We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
