I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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