just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
