He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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